Battles

“They say God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And as much as anyone can say how invincible I seem or how fearless I am or how brave I must be, I’m still human. And I’ve seen things and I’ve felt more pain than some will in their entire lives, all before the age of even being able to buy a fucking drink at a bar. But I have to be strong, not for myself but for a greater purpose, because I feel like my duty is far beyond me, you know? Beyond saving my family. It’s for the world because somebody out there really needs to hear this. So to anybody who isn’t here to see how far I’ve gone or how far I’ve yet to go. To family members that didn’t make it or friends I lost along the way. Or maybe someone I gave my heart to that didn’t know what to do with it. You should be here.”

– Kehlani

But what if I can’t handle another battle? What if god is wrong, and I’m not strong enough? And I try so hard to be invincible, fearless and brave. But sometimes I just can’t. Even though I try so hard. When is it good enough? When will they say I’m to brave? When am I to fearless? When is it okay to be scared or feel afraid?

This year has been really though for me. I’ve felt too much pain. I cried way to many tears. And when I’m looking at my friends, I’m wondering if they will ever experience all the shit I did. And yes, I’m to young to buy that fucking drink at the bar. And yes I’ve felt to much pain. But maybe there are other humans out there, that experienced more pain. I’m sure. When is the pain to much? But maybe the pain every person goes through, is a different kind of pain in everybody’s eyes. Maybe it depends on how hard your battles are, or they way you’ve been raised or how much time you take to think about it. Maybe only you can decide how much it hurts. Or how hard your battles are.

And I remember that I told myself last year, that my purpose for living on this earth, couldn’t be to leave it. I think everybody gets to a point in there life where they will ask themselves, “what is my purpose of being alive?”.  What is my reason? I don’t know. But I know I want to find out. That question ment that there was a purpose for me to. There is reason why I am alive. And maybe I have to go through all of these battles to get to the purpose. I just hope my purpose would be worth living for.

And maybe starting this blog was my purpose. Who knows? Maybe it is true and will there be somebody who needs to read this. Maybe it is for myself. Or for you. Or for us.

Because I never told my family the things I had to go through last year. I know they will never see the progress I made. And it’s to late to tell them now. But when I’m feeling down, I have that teenage feeling, the one that I know they would never understand what I’m going through. That I better can shut up and move on without arguing.

I’ve lost friends, I’ve lost family, I’ve lost people that finished their purpose. The world lost one of the most beautiful human beings I knew. And I would never forget them. Because they had beautiful thoughts and beautiful hearts. They should be here.

I gave my heart away. More then once. And at that moment, it’s the best feeling ever. But when they don’t want to take care of your heart anymore, or if they just can’t if they throw your heart away. It hurts. It can take so much time to find it back again. Sometimes there is a whole battle you have to face, to get it back. Sometimes your not the one who gets to decide how you’re journey will go. Sometimes it’s just very hard. But you have to get it back. It belongs to you. And when you find it back again, your heart gets an extra lock. That should keep it save. Until the next person finds all the keys. And steals it again. The only thing you can wish for is that they know what to do with it.

 

The first Time I heard Kehlani’s intro, I didn’t take the time to listen to it. Maybe it wasn’t the right time. Sometimes you hear or read something, and life makes so much more sense. In a few seconds you have all the awnsers you were looking for. Until you start questioning your awnsers.

If you loved reading this, check out her album! It will be worth it.

X, DWLLEW

 

 

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