24th of April

I don’t want to be forced to write. I’m not, nobody is. It’s a beauty of writing, the freedom to do whatever you want. A beauty that won’t be accepted in many countries. But I get stuck, every time. Even though there is no one reading this, and there is no one who will judge my writing, but it scares me, you know. It scares me that people don’t like this side of me, and that’s why I’ve been keeping it for myself. But it’s hard to put a part of you in an inside prison. It’s torture.

I’m questioning myself, why am I doing this? Why do my stories need to be shared, while I have my journal laying next to me and it will stay there until I die. Maybe deep inside I want people to read my stories and fall in love with it. I hope you love the way I write like I fell in love with the way how my thoughts play with my mind.

I get stuck. I get stuck over and over again. Not knowing what to write because I’m not sure if this is okay.

 

Twenty eight

If your’e wondering, no, I’m not that old as the title says. It’s just the 28th of January. (I know I’m the best titel maker in the world(:) I’m Living sixteen year in the same village at the same place, but saw many beautiful places on this earth. And there are still many to come. And I thought it would be fun to do some kind of series. About a day in my life. They do already exist. I’m aware of that, so it’s not that original, but still, the weird and original thing about it is that every human has the same amount of hours in a day and still everybody lives their own rollercoaster life.

Because in the next three months I’ll be traveling to three different places. (Phillipines, Marocco & Prague)  And I’m planning a lot of fun stuff to do this year! It would be fun to bring you along. For some reason I’d never really liked to talk about my day, (You could probably tell because of my previous posts) Because for me, it’s not that interesting to read what I did that day for me, it can drive me even crazy. You won’t find a lot of pages in my journal as well, about my daily activities. But still, maybe it changed maybe I changed, and I will never say no to trying something new!

It is one of my goals you know, to do more fun things, to appreciate life more. And I’m living that goal at the moment. I did start big though (for me then, maybe not for you, idk). I’m leaving in thirty days to visit the other side of the world and I’ll do voluntary work and meet a whole new culture and another billion things! But I’m also trying to do stuff I’ve never done before in my own country and I’ll be tasting a bit of everything. I hope that by the end of the year I know who I want to be, who I am. Even though knowing that wouldn’t last very long because change is a daily habit in my life. And now you’re probably reading this and thinking, yeah right. I heard these goals about a billion times. And to make sure you believe me, I’ll tell you that I went to an amazing concert last night. And I song my guts off and laughed the whole night. I made some memories I’ll never forget!

Now you guess, who that amazing artist was!

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Broken

Yesterday I ended up at the website from my old (best) friend. We were really close for a long time. And she is running this beauty/fashion website and is really doing great. But since we stopped talking and she really hurting my feelings. I stopped reading her posts, maybe it would be easier to get her out of my life that way.

And I have no clue how I ended up there, but I just started reading her post of New years resolutions and things she learned in 2k15, she also wrote about that her vision of fake friends changed. And sometimes you just know when they’re actually writing about you. But she wrote of other nasty stuff indirectly about me, but I hate the fact that I asked her so many times what I did wrong, and I just at the end gave up. Which was a really good decision though. And yes it makes me upset. But I know I’m smarter then this and I just should let it fly away. But words are easier then actions, and yes it hurts. It hurts me to read that somebody regrets spending time with me and calls me a fake friend. That hurts.

And it was that moment I started counting all the people that probably would never miss me, or even hate me. And I managed to keep these people out of my life. But thats not so easy. Especially because I hear story through other people, and people like it to change words or sentences. So you’ll never know if it’s true.

But what I wanted to write about is that I see after this long time, that there are some people that don’t like me at all. And I never thought about it, because it kinda hurts to be honest. But some people will never make this click. Some people will never be happy together for a long time. Even though the memories are so good. That’s life right? People come and go. The people who stay are the ones that matter the most. But that doesn’t mean you want that the people that go dislike you right? But that means I should be pretend I’m someone else to make them like me. And I won’t let that happen.

Growing apart

Hi there,

You know it’s so weird to be nervous for seeing people you once saw as your best friends. At that moment, a long time ago I thought that they where the people I would spend the rest of my life with. Go on vacations, doing all the wedding, mom stuff. I trusted them with my life. They were always there for me and I was always there for them. And you know I always thought, that day where the once that went a different way, they changed and I stayed the same. Until my mom told me that’s not true. They stayed. I moved on. They kept the same friends, dreams and jobs. While everything changed for me. And I do believe change is good. We need change to grow. To become a better person. But it’s hard, to change while everybody is forcing you to stay the same. Scared of losing me. Scared of losing the time we had.

And we’re growing apart. I am moving a different way. While I’m saving money to go to the other side of the world, and try to make the world a better place for everybody. They are saving money to drink alcohol, lay on the beach and fuck some boys. That is hard. To see the big differences between us. And I’m always asking myself, gurl, you need to get out there an get drunk every weekend to. But probably that world isn’t made for me. But I want that world to be for me. Because that’s a human thing right? To want alle the things you don’t have. We have a proverb for that in my country. “The grass is always greener on the other side.” It’s a popular one, because I believe that everybody is comparing them selves with others. And it’s not always a bad thing. But it can brake me to.

And while they are having a whole lot of fun out there. I’m writing this thought out. But i’m always wondering if somebody even reads this. So I’m writing it to myself. And I enjoyed writing this. So that’s a good thing.

 

X

 

From another planet

It’s 3 am and I’m still awake because I had to much coffee and the caffeine is jumping in my blood. And it does not makes me happier that I have only 4 hours left for sleep. It’s going to be a long night.

And these are the moments my mind is filled with thoughts and the most beautiful ideas. And I decided to write something for you guys after a long time. I just found these questions a minute ago in my phone.

“It’s not weird right, to think your adopted? I always thought so, and I would’ve been sure if my mom hadn’t showed me the baby photos.. I always thought we had nothing in common. It always felt like I was born in the wrong place. It always felt like I came from a different planet. And I was wondering if a lot of people feel this way? felt this way, like me.

But still, I felt special. It felt like I was the only one. That I was alone in this. I didn’t belong here.

Now, I’m getting older and it scares me how much I have in common with my family. It scares me I’m just like them. But I don’t want to be like them, even though I love them so much. Their just no longer a role model for me. They are not somebody I want to be. If I’m ever going to be a mother, I don’t want my children to feel the same way about me as I feel for my mom. I don’t want them to be scared to disappoint me, it’s a part of life. But I even if I don’t want to, I’ll always have a lot in common with them.

I just have to remind myself I don’t want to do certain things in a certain way because I don’t want to make their mistakes.

Arrived.

The train ride is over”

That’s a funny thing about traveling. This train ride was like ten minutes. But I got cut off, because I had to get out. I had limited time. Someone else decided when I had to stop. I lost some control.

 

Hope you liked it!

X.

Fall

I remember the day the leaves fell down. They finished their job. They had a short life, they got a chance to finish it by changing the world in a billion different colors. And when they fell down, they fell together. Processed with VSCOcam with hb2 presetProcessed with VSCOcam with hb2 presetProcessed with VSCOcam with hb2 presetthumb_IMG_1443_1024Processed with VSCOcam with hb2 preset

Fall is practically over or me. And it actually makes me really upset. It’s my favorite season. I’ll miss the walks in the woods, the colors, the rain, the party’s, the chilly weather and go on. Now I have to deal with the bare trees and the ice cold weather. Every season has there own beauty and I am truly looking forward to the other ones. But even though it isn’t officially winter jet. All the leaves are on the ground and the snow is on his way. It’s already december and in a month we are celebrating new year. Am I the only one that needs a few seconds to realize that?

Little Paradise

I remembered going to this place with my parents when I was very young. And when they bring you back to your past, a lot of memories will return. I can’t even say how many times I said to my sister “Do you remember the time that we …. “.

It’s a place with a lot of joy, it’s a little bit unreal, but that is what made it extra fun. A little escape from all the drama outside the walls. And I know I am 16 years old, but I enjoyed this child theme park very, very much!

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So when I was like 12 years old my parents put me on a carousel for the first time. You always get to choose one of the animals on it. And I needed to get on a horse. I always wanted to ride a horse as a sport, but it was to expensive for my parents so I thought this was my chance to let them see how good I am at it, and maybe they would let me ride a real horse then. And when I got on the horse I was so happy, I remember trying to ride that horse as an angel. But after just a few seconds I got really bored. The only thing I did was kind of squatting on that plastic thing. So after the ride, I hated horses and I never wanted to ride a horse again. Now, when I’m older, I would love to ride a real horse. And I did last year, a few times. The stupid thing is, the horses didn’t really like… Maybe it’s their revanche..

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At the end of the day there was a huge fountain show. This was new. So I got a little excited. We had an amazing view over the water and as soon as the music started I enjoyed every second of the show. It was so beautiful and I’m so sad these are the only pictures I have. When I came home I found out I lost all my pictures. I always put them on my laptop but something went wrong with iCloud and all the pictures since september are gone. And I wanted to be really sad about it. But that won’t bring them back. Glad my mom took some photos on her phone! So credits to her!!

I didn’t thought I would’ve so much fun at this theme park. But the fact that so much still looked the same and billions of memories came back made it extra special. It makes me feel a lot older tough. Sometimes you only need to turn back to your past to realize how fast time goes by.

x.

Friendship

Am I saying goodbye? Am I leaving them Behind? Do I even want to? I just want to laugh my problems away. I just want leave, I don’t want to solve another problem. I don’t want cry myself a sleep again.

I will make this worse, then I’ll screw up and after all I realize it probably happens for a reason. At the end I will tell myself, I have to move on.

What if I’m not okay with these fights? I’m not made for this. I already had my lessons and it has to stop some day, right? I can’t go through the same lessons every time. I don’t want to end friendships like this.

People say that when you get drunk, your words are waking up. I’m a person that gets drunk so the words can finally speak. I can finally be myself. Because I can blame the alcohol. Everybody blames the alcohol. It’s weak and sad. Why can’t I be happy with myself? Why can’t I be proud of my words?

Because nobody wants to hear them.

At least the people around me don’t want to hear them.

They will say I think to much.

 

If you have the answers to all these questions, let me know!